|
It's complicated, which is why I haven't been here recently - my mental state isn't too wonderful and in addition to fighting off the Black Cloud my focus is missing - I can cope with small jobs with a defined start and end, but ones that need thinking about aren't too easy at the moment.
Let me run through the history ... Michelle and I first met in a pub, when she hit me in the balls with a pool cue - a few weeks later I got a 2am call that her boyfriend had hit her and she'd got the heck out. I put her up on the couch for a few nights, then we were together almost continually for the next 30+ years. In May 2020 the wonderful NHS gave her Covid (by shipping all long-term patients out of the local hospital into residential homes without doing any covid testing despite having Covid in the hospital) and two days later she had given it to me. You may remember how sick I was at the time, and how long it took me to recover? She got it worse and was eventually diagnosed with Emphysema and Pulmonary Fibrosis which meant she travelled everywhere with an O2 bottle and was allowed up to 2 l/min when she wanted or needed it. In March of this year, she got it again - and gave it to me two days later - and came out of it much worse: ambulances were called, and she was moved to permanent O2 which rose to 5 l/min and finally 10 l/min if she was sleeping / resting with 15 l/min if she was moving or stressed. Even then, her SATs were in the toilet most of the time: resting was in the mid 80's, and a visit to the toilet would drop her into the 40's. To give you an idea what that means, it's how much oxygen is in your blood as a percentage - a hospital SAT monitor goes into alarm mode if it drops to 88 or below.
Basically, I was a full time carer from March onward. The house was filled with oxygen concentrators and large tanks in case of a power cut, and the car with "travel cylinders" which used to last her around 3 1/2 hours each, but now would last under 1/2 hour. I bought her a wheelchair because she had to stop twice and get her breath back just to get from the house to the car even on the full 15 l/min. We were getting on top of it, and a respiratory care team was assembling to back us up.
Then she fell off a chair and broke her arm - knocked the shoulder end ball clean off - ambulance trip to hospital but they couldn't operate to fix it because the breathing problems made a general anesthetic too risky. So she couldn't go upstairs at all, the stairs are too steep and she needed both hands to be safe. She slept sitting up on the sofa so she wouldn't roll over onto it. Took months to heal enough to start using the arm, which had atrophied badly by then, so she had to stay downstairs until physiotherapy could sort that. I was sleeping upstairs in the bedroom and got to understand the "The Police" song[^]
She had a second fall on the 27th October when she tripped over her oxygen line on the way back from the toilet and face planted the floor, broke her nose, blood everywhere, another ambulance because I couldn't lift her safely on my own but she refused point blank to be taken to hospital (as she well knew that Social Services would refuse to let her come home again).
Then at 4am on the 29th I went for a pee and found her on the floor of the bathroom. She was cold; she wasn't breathing; I could find no pulse. Emergency call made, I was instructed to start CPR, which meant first rolling her on her back. This took ages as it's a small bathroom, and a big woman (I will never believe the TV shows when they just lift a corpse and dump it in a car boot - that doesn't happen). 1..2..3..4, 1..2..3..4, 1..2..3..4, ... It seemed like forever that I was trying to get her heart beating but it was probably only 15 minutes before the police arrived and took over while I collapsed in a knackered heap to get my breath back. Ambulance arrived and took over, dragging her out of the bathroom to get better access, but there was nothing they could do either, and undertakers were called to collect her.
Eventually, the house was cleared of people and I was alone in a silent house. It was never silent when Michelle was there: the TV blaring (she was a bit deaf), or her yelling at it; her snoring; her concentrator - there was always noise. I couldn't stay, I had to get out. I found myself on the bridge over the river, just watching the water in the rain. I walked home, but I couldn't open the door because I knew she wouldn't be there. I found myself on the bridge again, and again, and again until Beth next door came out to find out what I was doing as I'd walked past her house a dozen times or so. And that began two days of horrible conversations as I told friends and relatives the news in person or by phone.
The doctor refused to sign off on a natural death (because of the fall on the Friday) so there would have to be a PM and I was in limbo until then. A week ago the PM was done and the coroner was satisfied there was no foul play, so I could register the death and arrange cremation. And I knew what killed her: the PM was pretty clear and listed three causes of death:
1) Cardiomegaly (an enlarged heart, which just stopped)
2) Emphysema and Pulmonary Fibrosis
3) Covid
She is officially a Covid death: it caused the E&PF and the extremely low SATs from that caused her heart to struggle and enlarge. Even if she had called for help to go to the loo (which she needed every time) and hadn't stubbornly decided not to wake me this time there would have been nothing I could have done to change the outcome; no way for anyone to spot the enlarged heart. Doesn't stop me wishing she had yelled for me though.
I didn't eat for four days, I just wasn't hungry. I am still pretty much a mess on the inside, but I'm presenting a reasonable facsimile of a Fully Functional Human Being most of the time. I'm still waking up at 4am and sitting on the floor in the bathroom to talk to her because that's where and when I found her. I've started drinking again, which I know is destructive but it helps me get to sleep. I'm not ready to do anything coding related yet - I can't concentrate enough for that, it's like I have a black cloud over my head and I'm spending all my energy trying to keep it outside. I fall to pieces too easily - it takes very little to get me crying again and the house is full of memories and reminders. I'm probably going to have to talk to the doctor again maybe about antidepressants, counselling, or something - I dunno. I'll think about it.
So ... how are you all?
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Paul, wow.  Any family/friend you can get in touch with ? Even if you do not feel like it, it probably helps speaking to someone real. Then again, I am not a specialist.
You have all the virtual sympathy I can send out. ![Rose | [Rose]](https://codeproject.freetls.fastly.net/script/Forums/Images/rose.gif) Take care.
|
|
|
|
|
![Rose | [Rose]](https://www.codeproject.com/script/Forums/Images/rose.gif) Deepest condolences.
I have been missing your posts and had no idea why you weren't around. I can only begin to imagine how difficult and horrible it must be for you. Find some way to hold on.
I imagine that "Time is a great healer" sounds stupid to you right now. It doesn't heal your loss but it does allow a different perspective on it and allow you to find a way to cope.
You have given wise advice to others here in the past. I wish I were able to do that for you. In my (very non-expert) view, counselling could do that for you better than chemicals (including alcohol).
Best wishes ...
Phil
The opinions expressed in this post are not necessarily those of the author, especially if you find them impolite, inaccurate or inflammatory.
|
|
|
|
|
Griff dude, i am sorry. I have lost so many people in my life as well. IT just sucks.
You are in my thoughts.
Take some small comfort in that we here, all are here, to just listen whenever you want to chat. I think I speak for everyone on that.
Talking does help. Keep talking.
To err is human to really elephant it up you need a computer
|
|
|
|
|
rnbergren wrote: Take some small comfort in that we here, all are here, to just listen whenever you want to chat. I think I speak for everyone on that.
 If not all, many... with me as one of them too
M.D.V. 
If something has a solution... Why do we have to worry about?. If it has no solution... For what reason do we have to worry about?
Help me to understand what I'm saying, and I'll explain it better to you
Rating helpful answers is nice, but saying thanks can be even nicer.
|
|
|
|
|
A real bummer. We are all pulling for you. Hang in there.
>64
Some days the dragon wins. Suck it up.
|
|
|
|
|
If you need a place where you’re missed, you know where to find it.
In the meantime, stay safe, stay strong, stay well!
Mircea
|
|
|
|
|
OriginalGriff wrote: I've started drinking again, which I know is destructive but it helps me get to sleep.
I am not telling you "don't do it", but please, be careful with that.
OriginalGriff wrote: I'm probably going to have to talk to the doctor again maybe about antidepressants,
There are some that are taken at night because they knock you out.
I prefer the ones from the morning and melatonin based pills for the night though.
OriginalGriff wrote: counselling,
If not counselling at least company, and even better if the company is from someone you trust and you can talk about it with
OriginalGriff wrote: So ... how are you all?
A bit worried about you.
On the other hand, busy as hell with job and kids.
M.D.V.
If something has a solution... Why do we have to worry about?. If it has no solution... For what reason do we have to worry about?
Help me to understand what I'm saying, and I'll explain it better to you
Rating helpful answers is nice, but saying thanks can be even nicer.
|
|
|
|
|
Dear Paul
Thank you for very much your feedback.
I'm at a loss for words, it's all so sad.
I hope you seek professional help. Talking to friends can also be very helpful. In my experience, talking about the situation over and over again is very helpful.
I'm so sorry and helpless to help you 
Bruno
|
|
|
|
|
Not trying to equate... but we lost my mother last year, and my dad was pretty much in a similar situation. They had been together for over 60 years. What helped him in the initial couple of months was that at least one of us (his children) were staying with him. Even after that, he or we used to visit each other once a week.
I guess what I am trying to say is that company helps, especially company of those who have shared memories. If that is a possibility, please do try it.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. -Anon
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. -Frederick Nietzsche
|
|
|
|
|
Paul, know that you are in our thoughts . My mother passed away in March, after I had been her caregiver for several months; she had dementia. I only know what I am going through, but it's enough for me to sympathize with your pain. For what it's worth my doctor helped, and I think I'm ready to talk with someone now. When you're ready, please seek help you feel comfortable with. We'll be here.
Software Zen: delete this;
|
|
|
|
|
Paul, other than laughing at your puns and appreciating your crossword clue feedback, I can't claim to know you. Yet reading the above is really hard. I guess you may already have done this, but please get in contact with the bereavement support services; try Marie Curie[^] No commitment, you don't need to see anyone if you don't want to.
I'm sure you've a network of friends, neighbours and family supporting you, but sometimes those without the emotional attachment can see a little more clearly and give advice on a practical level on how to manage what you're going through.
Thoughts are very much with you.
|
|
|
|
|
Hey there.
I am so sorry to read this - you have my sympathies.
Can't say we are close friends - but like many others on here, I look forward to reading your comments and puns etc.
Rest assured that however you're feeling right now - sad, numb, tired, angry etc — it's normal.
There's no right or wrong way to feel.
Hopefully you'll find some comfort in reading some of the other comments on here...
Take care.
|
|
|
|
|
We've never met other than via CP yet I feel so sad over your loss and pain.
What a strange world - my first grandchild (James) was born just two weeks ago.
I hope he grows up to have as much class, and have as many people care about him, as you have.
Condolences, Craig![Rose | [Rose]](https://codeproject.global.ssl.fastly.net/script/Forums/Images/rose.gif)
|
|
|
|
|
Paul, I only just found this message, and there is nothing I can say to help ease your pain. However, from my experience as a Samaritan in previous years, I can say that they are always there to listen, so maybe worth a try.
|
|
|
|
|
Hang in there dude.
veni bibi saltavi
|
|
|
|
|
You don't know how out-of-shape you are until you spend an afternoon helping a neighbor doing pre-winter yard clean up. And I seem to be out of aspirin, tylenol, etc. Well, there's always the tequila, but, you know, work, so that's not an option for the moment. Sigh.
"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants"
Chuckles the clown
|
|
|
|
|
k5054 wrote: You don't know how out-of-shape you are until you spend an afternoon helping a neighbor doing pre-winter yard clean up.
Or playing rugby with two pre-teen grandchildren.
|
|
|
|
|
Richard MacCutchan wrote: two pre-teen grandchildren.
Well at least you can be thankful that they were not teenagers because then it would have been worse.
|
|
|
|
|
Well ten years on I know not to go out in the garden with them.
|
|
|
|
|
Count your blessings. I'm sitting in a car for the next seven hours.
|
|
|
|
|
This is why I go out of my way to not ever talk to my neighbors. They may think I'm a jerk but they can't use me.
|
|
|
|
|
Stretch first; slow startup. When one remembers. Reach up. Reach down. Behind etc.
"Before entering on an understanding, I have meditated for a long time, and have foreseen what might happen. It is not genius which reveals to me suddenly, secretly, what I have to say or to do in a circumstance unexpected by other people; it is reflection, it is meditation." - Napoleon I
|
|
|
|
|
Please consider swimming ... In cases of back pain or other unwanted side effects of too much exercise, I usually go for 1 hour of indoor swimming in a nice swimming pool not far from my place ... 
|
|
|
|
|
Hot shower or hot bath can help a lot.
CI/CD = Continuous Impediment/Continuous Despair
|
|
|
|
|
General 
News 
Suggestion 
Question 
Bug 
Answer 
Joke 
Praise 
Rant 
Admin 
Submit an article or tip
