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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning . The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby,was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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EIGHTH DEGREE
A blonde is upset for getting a parking ticket while parking in a no parking zone. She figured if it was a no parking zone, she wasn't in anybody's way.
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TERMINAL DEGREE
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "... inhale, exhale, inhale...".
The language is JavaScript. that of Mordor, which I will not utter here
This is Javascript. If you put big wheels and a racing stripe on a golf cart, it's still a f***ing golf cart.
"I don't know, extraterrestrial?"
"You mean like from space?"
"No, from Canada."
If software development were a circus, we would all be the clowns.
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You should hear the running tape: "Left foot, inhale, other left foot, exhale, left foot, ..."
Software Zen: delete this;
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On a normal processor this would be the internal microcode
The language is JavaScript. that of Mordor, which I will not utter here
This is Javascript. If you put big wheels and a racing stripe on a golf cart, it's still a f***ing golf cart.
"I don't know, extraterrestrial?"
"You mean like from space?"
"No, from Canada."
If software development were a circus, we would all be the clowns.
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Walkman? How *old* is that joke?!
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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On the ride home I had plenty of zombies with their brain pacemakers firmly plugged in. The walkman and tapes may be history now, but somehow the joke is more fitting than ever.
Edit: Just looked it up - the walkman went out of production in 2010, not so long ago.
The language is JavaScript. that of Mordor, which I will not utter here
This is Javascript. If you put big wheels and a racing stripe on a golf cart, it's still a f***ing golf cart.
"I don't know, extraterrestrial?"
"You mean like from space?"
"No, from Canada."
If software development were a circus, we would all be the clowns.
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Last week there was some discussion about telemarketers on this board. I thought I would share an example of a telemarketer talking to my server[^]. The two "kids" and the "old man (father)" are my server talking. The "woman" is a robocall.
So this is their computer talking to my computer.
I built this system almost 7 years ago. It detects telemarketers and has a "conversation" with them to waste their time. The calls are recorded, transcoded to mp3, and emailed to me to laugh at later. It even sends a DTMF "1" after the first round, as most telemarketers say "press 1 to be connected to a real person." It has a near 100% success rate. This has been so entertaining over the years that I am considering removing my phone numbers from the "do not call" list and even adding "honeypot" DID's to my PBX.
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When are you going to open source the code? More people should be doing this!
Hogan
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I will, just so many projects and so little time...
I'm glad you liked it.
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Just you wait until your server starts ordering upgrades this way.
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Oh, it does a LOT more than just this.
There are a few telemarketers who REALLY piss me off. The ones who keep calling, literally hundreds of times.
For those, I track down the company responsible (manual detective work), and I find the phone number of their company. The real phone number. Then I have my server REDIRECT the telemarketer to their own number.
I have a rule table of those telemarketers and their related parent numbers. So, when they call me, they hear their OWN MAIN SWITCHBOARD answer. I cannot describe how satisfying this is.
And my PBX is still in the loop recording the hilarity. That is usually all it takes to get them to permanently remove me from their call list, although I had one company continue for 6 months.
I have fallen down from laughing so hard...
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This is evil. Evil and right. I admire you. 
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
"When you have eliminated the JavaScript, whatever remains must be an empty page." -- Mike Hankey
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You know, it's the little things in life...
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Awesome. Just awesome. 
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
The metaphorical solid rear-end expulsions have impacted the metaphorical motorized bladed rotating air movement mechanism.
Do questions with multiple question marks annoy you???
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Wow, I used to get 1 call every 2-3 months, an indian gentleman from MS wanting me to download some software to fix the problems on my machine. After a couple of sessions of long detailed discussions on achieving well... nothing they eventually gave up.
I can't remember the last time I got a telemarketer on the land line.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity
RAH
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Did they ever figure out you were running a linux VM while on the phone with them? 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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...but this is strangely good[^], the more you listen the more right it seems.
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veni bibi saltavi
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Arggghhhh! Noooooooo....
I'll never be able to listen to the original again without hearing "you durty old man"
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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 so wrong but good!!
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No matter how my team-members code, my code should work fine 
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Getting the client to pay first.
veni bibi saltavi
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Make no assumptions (about system state or inputs)
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