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1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.
2 The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4 I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6 A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, tattoos and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion . . . Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
modified 15-Jan-15 11:43am.
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Very nice!
A point I often ponder is : why does the duck quack and not the dog?
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Because they bark? 
Your time will come, if you let it be right.
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I recognized a couple of those as George Carlin's, so I Googled, only to find this:
http://stuffoldguyslike.com/random/wise-words/[^]
I see what [edit] Rage Maxxx* was complaining about.
If you're block-quoting someone like that, citing the source is the right thing to do.
E.g. just say "That George Carlin was a funny guy!" at the beginning of the posting.
* I'm lucky if I remember my own name on the first attempt.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
modified 15-Jan-15 7:25am.
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I got this in the mail.
I would have given credit if I knew it was from George Carlin.
Now that I know it, I will add a postscript to that effect.
Thanks for letting me know.
PS. I changed the title instead of adding a postscript.
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I got an unsolicited phone call from TechStork claiming that I have security errors on my Windows computer. They claimed that they know this because my computer sends them my event log and they know my name a phone number because they know my Microsoft license number.
Has anyone gotten such a phone call? And would Windows be sending my event log without my knowledge or consent?
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I've got a couple of these calls, they're scammers and FOS.
New version: WinHeist Version 2.1.0
There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.
I'm currently unsupervised, I know it freaks me out too but the possibilities are endless.
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You didn't give them any personal details, or let them remote into your computer did you?
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They know your name and phone number because they just phoned you and looked up your number in the phone book.
Their aim is to convince you you have computer problems and to then sell you a fix.
They are scam artists of the worst sort - but amazing fun to string along.
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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No, they repeated my license number
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Now that is scary!
It is 100% scam - but now the question is "how did they know your license number?"
Incidentally - which licence number are we talking about here?
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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So ask them what your licence no is! Then ask them for the evidence from your event log so you can double check their claim. Then string them along for as long as possible without parting with any personal information or downloading anything.
My record is 28 minutes so far, but then I get quite a few of these.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity
RAH
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We had a number of these until my wife decided that as soon as she was sure it was the same people she would start screaming down the phone (she's a singer so can keep a high note for a long time). The first time I got a call complaining about her behaviour  , I won't repeat my reply. After the third time they stopped completely.
One day I aspire to having a signature.
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Motor Viper wrote: got a call complaining about her behaviour
Ah I love it, a scammer rings back and complains, got balls I'll give them that.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity
RAH
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You should have put them through to the "support department" and passed them back over to your wife for a second dose 
How do you know so much about swallows? Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
modified 31-Aug-21 21:01pm.
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I wish I'd thought of that at the time .
One day I aspire to having a signature.
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I've had a few of these. If I'm not busy I tell them I don't really understand computers and ask them if they can tell me what operating system I have (I was told Windows 10 a few years ago by one caller).
They usually end up asking me to open the Windows event log (where they'll show me some normal logs but try and explain that they're a sign of a virus/problem), so I get them to explain it step by step...
Them: Click on the Start Button
Me: What's a "Start Button"?
Them: It's at the bottom left of your screen
Me: No, I can't see anything there, are you sure it's supposed to be there?
...10-15 minutes later...
Them: What make is your computer?
Me: Apple
Them: -- Gone --
How do you know so much about swallows? Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
modified 31-Aug-21 21:01pm.
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A mate and I pulled almost the same ruse a couple of months back, pretending to understand very little about computers. Nearing the end of the call, we told them that we just had a picture of a penguin.
The best part was just after we hung up on them, his brother walked back in. Not a minute later, the phone starts ringing again. We told him not to pick it up - we knew exactly who it would be, but didn't tell him. Knowing better, he picked it up anyway. Cue: 10 minutes of laughing like hyenas on our part and a very confused Glenn.
We've since setup a virgin box for the next ones. It's got nothing on it other than a freshly installed copy of linux, virtual-box with a copy of XP and a copy of team-viewer. The idea is that when we get another call, we'll connect using the team-viewer in the virtual machine, find-out their IP and then smash their network with the other 6 computers sitting in the office, hoping to really elephant-up their day. A quick ip-renew and then we'll duck back underground like the gophers in Caddy-Shack.
(yes, we're probably putting too much effort into having a laugh)
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*taking accurate notes for the future* 
Geek code v 3.12
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- r++>+++ y+++*
Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
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DavidSherwood wrote: they know my Microsoft license number
So ask them to read it out to you. The only good reason for them to refuse is because they don't know it.
They just go through phone books. Just about everyone has a computer, and just about all computers are Windows (when you look at the numbers, apple and Linux are almost trivial), so most people fit their target profile.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Really?
In that case, it's time to burn your hard drive and fit a new one. The only way they could have got that is if they already had access to the device.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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When I get these kind of calls, I pretend that they are a pizza company and they are calling me to repeat my order. I think the call only lasts like a minute or two, but it is worth the laughs.
These people are criminals and deserve to get butt f***ed by an elephant with herpes.
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I haven't had one yet, but I can imagine saying:
"OK, I've powered up my terminal and I have the login prompt and blinking cursor..."
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