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chriselst20-Sep-13 1:51

20-Sep-13 1:51

by Chris Elston aged 38 and 346 365ths.

So yesterday morning I awoke at around half three with pain in my left forearm, a very strange feeling. I also had some pain in my ribs. I've had a bit of a cold all week.

Kept me awake for an hour or two, couldn't get comfortable, pain wouldn't ease at all.

When I awoke again with my alarm the pain had spread to my upper arm and the back of my shoulder, and the pain in my ribs was quite sharp when breathing in.

I set off for work, but the pain in my arm and chest was worse with the driving so as I was passing I dropped in to the local minor injuries unit (this is a small hospital with no doctors that you go to if you know what is wrong with you) so they could tell me there's not wrong, bugger off to work.

As expected when I reported my symptoms I was straight in and on a bed. I've turned up there with chest pains three times before, once was the onset of a nasty chest infection that laid me low for a couple of weeks, the second was a pulled rib muscle which hurt like elephant (like the elephant was sitting on me in fact), and the third was indegestiony (a friend of mine went to bed with 'indigestion' once and was found dead in bed the next morning.

Anyway, the ECG was swiftly administered after a crude chest shaving, and I was told I wasn't dying in the short term. Unusually for this hospital they also had a paramedic who went through various tests before the nurse said to him "right, let's go outside and discuss this". Thy came back in and said they were sending me off to the big hospital for some more tests, then went to phone for an ambulance from the office next door. As the nurse walked out she muttered something about "better open the blind so I can keep an eye on him".

At this point I phoned the wife to tell her I was off to hospital in the next town and where she could find the car. As I had mentioned nothing to her during the night or that morning her concern was tempered with pissed off ness.

The ambulance lady had just moved into a new housing estate near my allotment, and her husband is interested in one so we had a nice chat. Her son was at the primary school I'd gone to, and we'd been to the same secondary school. As they're wheeling me into the hospital I'm feeling like a massive fraud.

Onto a bed, another ECG and a student doctor comes over to take some blood. "It's ok, I've done loads of these but I need a signature each time I do at the moment" she explains before going to look for a senior enough nurse to supervise. The nurse arrives and says "What if they need a cannula later, you might as well o that now then use it to take the blood". Student Doctor says to me "It's ok, I've done this a few times before".

So, in goes the pointy bit, but she can't get it all the way in so the nurse has a shove and a wiggle before they decide there is a valve in the way in the vein they're in. Out it comes, then onto the other arm where they abandon the cannula idea and just take three vials of blood.

Then the wife turns up as another student doctor turns up to take the history. This is the first she has heard of the half three in the morning thing and lots of pointed looks are coming my way.

There I lay for an hour or so before SD2 turns up and says "We're concerned about the condition of your heart and a blood clot on your lung... But, try not to worry."

Try not to fing worry? I wasn't worried at all until then.

Wife leaves at this point, there is lots she needs to do. Turns out after leaving she had pretty much phoned my parents and boss up and told them I was screwed.

SD2 comes back again and says the lung clot test was clear, the heart test they have to wait three hours then take some more blood. Then I go off for a chest X-ray.

When the time comes for the next lot of blood SD2 turns up with a proper doctor. They have a look at the previous two holes and try to go back in the one on my left arm. After much really painful wriggling they give up and the doc makes a new hole in my right arm to get some.

A short while later he comes back and says that sample was no good for testing, and made another hole in my left arm for some more.

Just after three he comes back agin, says it is all clear, they're putting it down to the virus and I can go home.

Text the wife who is just picking our daughter up from school and says she will be straight over. The town where I am is about ten minutes from where she is, it's a nice day, so I start walking towards where she will come from.

Turns out there was a delay on the road, by the time we met I'd been walking for 45 minutes and was very hot, sweaty, and in quite a bit of pain gain. Queue another bollocking for not waiting at the hospital.

So today I am resting, feel like shite, but at least there is nothing wrong with me that shouldn't clear up on its own in a few days time.

“I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.” Bill Hicks

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